Jason things

I took my two youngest to Toys R Us tonight.  Logan demanded that we wander every single aisle, and I was happy to oblige. I know how that store is when you're a kid and I wasn't about to deny him the chance to anger all of the store clerks by playing with every single toy he (we) could get our hands on.

At one point we go by the Star Wars aisle, a place that I haven't been to in years. I'm just stopped caring altogether (another blog post for another time).  But something happened that I hate to say was proof that the marketing department really did their job.

The new line of Star Wars figures now come on cards that look much like they did when I was a kid.  It definitely made me give a Pavlovian pause.  However, upon closer inspection I found that the toys are still crap.  Let's take a look at a few of the most mockable.

Here's Han Solo in his "Echo Base" outfit.  This is what he wore at the beginning of Empire Strikes back.  But man, he has the saddest look on his face.


Maybe it's because his included accessory is A F****ING WELDING MASK.  For all that hot space soldering action!  Maybe they should have included a plunger to really make him purchasable.


Moving on.


Here's Anakin Skywalker from the end of Return of the Sith.



This is when he went all bad and stuff and was out breaking people's hearts.


Maybe it's just me, but he looks less like the embodiment of all that is evil in the universe, and more like an extra from Thriller.




Next we have something I can't quite explain.

Darth Vader.


With bling.


Vadejazzled!


Now I can't totally complain about all the toys.  For the past 30 years I've been searching high and low for a plastic representation of my all-time favorite Star Wars charactor, and he is now available.

It's been impossible to play with my snow speeder correctly without a useless gob of a co-pilot to add useless weight to my ship.     Well now it's finally here.

I give you: DACK RALTER!



Next on our tour is a special limited edition Pricess Leia:



With whore make up.



Finally I wanted to share what I found to be the cream of the crop... and given that this crop is pretty rancid I'm guessing that's not cream on the top.

I present to you the character I have dubbed, Captain Mollesty.


I wasn't aware Hall & Oates were in the original trilogy.  I'll have to go back and watch them again.

No... no actually, no I don't.